My band, THE CYNTHIA KAPLAN ORDEAL, has some awesome gigs coming up with the incomparable songman Sean Altman and the luscious guitarist Julian Maile. I do not recommend you bring children under 15. Unless you are raising them to be pimps and hos.

Also, don't forget to check out my video of Merry Christmas to You! And send it around to your friends. And friend me on Facebook. And send a Christmas ham. And money.

Okay, here are the gigs:

Sat. Dec. 17, '11 Towne Crier Pawling, NY
(845) 855 1300, $17.50 advance, $22.50 day of show, 8:30 show, 130 Route 22.

Mon. Dec. 19, '11 Iron Horse Music Hall Northampton, MA
$15 advance, $18 day of show, doors 5:30, show 7pm, 20 Center Street . Buy tix online or call the box office 413/586-8686 M-Sa 9-6 Su 12-5.

Tue. Dec. 20, '11 Nightcat Easton, MD, USA

Wed. Dec. 21, '11 The Birchmere Alexandria, VA
$25, 7:30pm. 3701 Mt. Vernon Ave., Alexandria, VA 22305. Phone: 703-549-7500. CLICK HERE FOR ADVANCE TICKETS

Thu. Dec. 22, '11 Milkboy Ardmore, PA
610.645.5269, $15 advance/ $18 day of show, 8pm, 2 East Lancaster Ave.. $15 advance tix click here

Fri. Dec. 23, '11 Caffe Lena Saratoga Springs, NY
518-583-0022, $18 advance, $20 at door, $16 advance for members ($18 at door), 8pm show, 47 Phila St..

Sat. Dec. 24, '11 Joe's Pub New York, NY
212-967-7555, ALL AGES. $20 advance, $25 day of show , ONE SHOW: 7PM, doors 6:30, 425 Lafayette St., info@joespub.com. JEWMONGOUS' annual Christmas Eve Extravaganza at the newly renovated Joe's Pub, the best listening room in town and a great restaurant, too. Special guest Cynthia Kaplan and more tba.

Tue. Dec. 27, '11 Mexicali Live Teaneck, NJ
$15 presale / $20 day of show, 1409 Queen Anne Road. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS. DINNER SEATING BEGINS AT 6PM. Dining area & stage are in the same room, so come eat before or during the show. For dinner reservations: Email reservation@mexicalilive.com or call 201-833-011.

Thu. Dec. 29, '11 Club Passim Cambridge, MA
(617) 492-7679, ALL AGES. $18 advance, $20 day of show , 7PM, 47 Palmer St. (Harvard Square) zip 02138. Club Passim is the best listening room in town and a great vegetarian restaurant, too. No booze, though, so get liquored up in advance.

The New Jack Paar Show! It's May and we're back at a shiny new time: 9:30 p.m.

What's the New Jack Paar Show? It is the live talk/variety show hosted by humorist and CBS Morning Show commentator Nancy Giles and and author and comedian Cynthia Kaplan.

What happened to April's show? It was a cruel month. Move on.

This month's guests:

Ann Leary: Breaking news: Ann is sitting in for Nancy, who is "busy." (Read: alternate Endeavor crew member. You didn't hear it here.) Anyway, Ann is the author of the hilarious memoir An Innocent, a Broad and the acclaimed novel Outtakes from a Marriage, and is the co-host with fellow authors Julie Klam and Laura ZIgman of NPR's new radio show "Hash Hags."

Tom Shillue: Tom is originally from Norwood, Massachusetts and is a writer and comedian who has been seen in his own Comedy Central Presents stand-up special, on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and in his own segment on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. His autobiographical monologues have become a fixture in the New York downtown comedy scene, at shows like Moonwork's Evening of Original Works. Tom was recently named New York's "Best Storyteller" at the annual ECNY awards.

Julie Klam: Julie has written for tons of magazines including Rolling Stone, O, and The New York Times Magazine. She was nominated for an Emmy award for Outstanding writing on Pop-Up Video. Her most recent book was the New York TImes Bestseller You Had Me At Woof . She lives in NYC with her husband, daughter and dogs.

Julia Darling: Julia is one of those rare artists who has built a career outside of the music industry--which is just a way of saying "it's really hard to get record deals." She did, however, release her third album earlier this year and continues to write, record and play music. (Editor's note: That album, Everything that has Happened Since Then is in heavy rotation at Cindy's house.)

Steven Seagal: A friend of the NJP Show, the actor and martial artist stops by for a casual catch-up with Cindy and Ann. A not-to-be-missed three-way.

Friday, May 20th at 9:30 p.m. (doors open 9:00)
The Laurie Beechman Theater @The West Bank Cafe, 407 West 42nd Street
Reservations: 212-695-6909
Cover charge: $5cover/$15 minim
Eat the excellent dinner food or drink the whole minimum--your call

Our motto: Come if you can; don't if you can't.

p.s. Don't forget to "like" the Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal on Facebook. And why not get the album FANGRY on iTunes or cdbaby.com? Dudes.

Back with another excellent evening in which humorist and CBS Morning Show commentator Nancy Giles and I present the best of New York's writers, comedians and musicians.

Jenny Allen‘s essays and articles have appeared in The New Yorker, The New York Times, New York, Vogue, Esquire, among others, in the New Yorker's new humor anthology“Disquiet, Please!” and in In The Fullness of Time: 32 Women on Life After 50 (Simon & Schuster). She is the author of a book of fables for grown-ups called The Long Chalkboard, illustrated by her husband, Jules Feiffer. She performs stand-up comedy in Manhattan, has appeared in Spalding Grey: Stories Left to Tell, and at The Moth. Her show, I Got Sick Then I Got Better was produced at New York Theatre Workshop in 2009 and was extended three times. I Got Sick Then I Got Better has been seen in theaters, hospitals, universities and at cancer conferences around the country. Ms. Allen received the 2010 “It’s Always Something” award from Gilda’s Club NYC. jennyallenwrites.com.

The Bitter Poet's full length show, “Looking For Love In All The Wrong Black Box Performance Spaces” appeared in the FRIGID New York 2011 Fringe Festival at Under St. Marks Theater, was selected “Best Of Festival” at FronteraFest ’10 in Austin, TX and was selected for the Piccolo Spoleto Fringe Festival in Charleston, SC. The Bitter Poet has performed in NYC at Dixon Place; PS122 Schoolhouse Rocks; The P.I.T.; La MaMa; Theatre For The New City, and many others. Kevin Draine (aka The Bitter Poet himself) lives in New York City and has appeared in the cult classics, Puddle Cruiser and Final Rinse and is the narrator for Animal Planet’s Dogs 101/Cats 101/Pets 101. www.thebitterpoet.com.

Pat Candaras is a stand-up comic, writer, storyteller and actor. Her television credits include playing a judge on NBC's Law and Order; performing stand-up on Nick at Nite's Funniest Mom 3 and as a featured storyteller on the storytelling series presented by The Moth on the TRIO network. Pat was also a featured artist in a documentary presented on BBC in conjunction with the 2001 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Pat performed her one person show at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival and the New York International Fringe Festival. In 2007 the producers of the Montreal Comedy Festival presented Pat as one of the NEW FACES OF COMEDY. www.patcandaras.com.

The E-Trade Baby: In his first Off-Broadway appearance.*

Important info:

Friday, March 18th at 7 p.m. (doors open 6:30)
The Laurie Beechman Theater @The West Bank Cafe
407 West 42nd Street
Reservations: 212-695-6909
Cover charge: $5cover/$15 minimum
Excellent dinner food or drink the whole minimum--your call

Our motto: Come if you can; don't if you can't.

*Okay, that's a bald-faced lie. It's his second Off-Broadway appearance.