First off, I'll be reading my story Ballads of Rusty Magee at the great Soundtrack Series at Poisson Rouge at 158 Bleecker. Come on down and hear stories inspired by songs.

Also, my band, THE CYNTHIA KAPLAN ORDEAL, once again has some awesome gigs coming up with the excellent and very tall songman Sean Altman and the luscious percussionist Mike Hunter (height unknown). Don't blame me if you bring children under 15 and they turn into pimps and hos.

Also, don't forget to check out my video of Merry Christmas to You! And send it around to your friends. And friend The Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal on Facebook.

And donate to some worthy cause! In fact, if you bring a printed receipt from a December donation to a gig, I'll give you a free CD. Unless I don't like your cause, and then you can forget it.

Sat. Dec. 15, '12 Towne Crier Pawling, NY
(845) 855 1300, $17.50 advance, $22.50 day of show, 8:30 show, 130 Route 22.

Sat. Dec. 22, '12 Milkboy Coffee Ardmore, PA
610.645.5269, $15 advance/ $18 day of show, 8pm, 2 East Lancaster Ave..

Sun. Dec. 23, '12 Cafe Nine New Haven, CT
203-789-8281, $15, doors 7pm for 8pm concert, 250 State St zip 06510. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS

Mon. Dec. 24, '12 Club Passim Cambridge, MA
(617) 492-7679, ALL AGES. $18 advance, $20 day of show , 6PM & 8:30PM, 47 Palmer St. (Harvard Square) zip 02138. Club Passim is the best listening room in town and a great vegetarian restaurant, too.

Tue. Dec. 25, '12 City Winery New York, NY
(212) 608-0555, $20, 7pm show, 155 Varick St. (btwn Spring and Vandam), info@citywinery.com. CLICK HERE FOR ADVANCE TICKETS. Holy hell-freezes-over: my estranged What I Like About Jew partner Rob Tannenbaum will join for several of our co-writes!

Wed. Dec. 26, '12 Mexicali Live Teaneck, NJ
$15 presale / $20 day of show, doors 6pm for 7pm show, 1409 Queen Anne Road. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS. DINNER SEATING BEGINS AT 6PM. Dining area & stage are in the same room, so come eat before or during the show. For dinner reservations: Email reservation@mexicalilive.com or call 201-833-011.

Thu. Dec. 27, '12 Hooker-Dunham Theater & Gallery Brattleboro, VT
(802) 387-0599, $18 advance, $20 day of show, 7:30pm, 139 Main Street, 802concerts@gmail.com. CLICK HERE FOR ADVANCE TICKETS

My band, THE CYNTHIA KAPLAN ORDEAL, has some awesome gigs coming up with the incomparable songman Sean Altman and the luscious guitarist Julian Maile. I do not recommend you bring children under 15. Unless you are raising them to be pimps and hos.

Also, don't forget to check out my video of Merry Christmas to You! And send it around to your friends. And friend me on Facebook. And send a Christmas ham. And money.

Okay, here are the gigs:

Sat. Dec. 17, '11 Towne Crier Pawling, NY
(845) 855 1300, $17.50 advance, $22.50 day of show, 8:30 show, 130 Route 22.

Mon. Dec. 19, '11 Iron Horse Music Hall Northampton, MA
$15 advance, $18 day of show, doors 5:30, show 7pm, 20 Center Street . Buy tix online or call the box office 413/586-8686 M-Sa 9-6 Su 12-5.

Tue. Dec. 20, '11 Nightcat Easton, MD, USA

Wed. Dec. 21, '11 The Birchmere Alexandria, VA
$25, 7:30pm. 3701 Mt. Vernon Ave., Alexandria, VA 22305. Phone: 703-549-7500. CLICK HERE FOR ADVANCE TICKETS

Thu. Dec. 22, '11 Milkboy Ardmore, PA
610.645.5269, $15 advance/ $18 day of show, 8pm, 2 East Lancaster Ave.. $15 advance tix click here

Fri. Dec. 23, '11 Caffe Lena Saratoga Springs, NY
518-583-0022, $18 advance, $20 at door, $16 advance for members ($18 at door), 8pm show, 47 Phila St..

Sat. Dec. 24, '11 Joe's Pub New York, NY
212-967-7555, ALL AGES. $20 advance, $25 day of show , ONE SHOW: 7PM, doors 6:30, 425 Lafayette St., info@joespub.com. JEWMONGOUS' annual Christmas Eve Extravaganza at the newly renovated Joe's Pub, the best listening room in town and a great restaurant, too. Special guest Cynthia Kaplan and more tba.

Tue. Dec. 27, '11 Mexicali Live Teaneck, NJ
$15 presale / $20 day of show, 1409 Queen Anne Road. CLICK HERE FOR TICKETS. DINNER SEATING BEGINS AT 6PM. Dining area & stage are in the same room, so come eat before or during the show. For dinner reservations: Email reservation@mexicalilive.com or call 201-833-011.

Thu. Dec. 29, '11 Club Passim Cambridge, MA
(617) 492-7679, ALL AGES. $18 advance, $20 day of show , 7PM, 47 Palmer St. (Harvard Square) zip 02138. Club Passim is the best listening room in town and a great vegetarian restaurant, too. No booze, though, so get liquored up in advance.

The New Jack Paar Show! It's May and we're back at a shiny new time: 9:30 p.m.

What's the New Jack Paar Show? It is the live talk/variety show hosted by humorist and CBS Morning Show commentator Nancy Giles and and author and comedian Cynthia Kaplan.

What happened to April's show? It was a cruel month. Move on.

This month's guests:

Ann Leary: Breaking news: Ann is sitting in for Nancy, who is "busy." (Read: alternate Endeavor crew member. You didn't hear it here.) Anyway, Ann is the author of the hilarious memoir An Innocent, a Broad and the acclaimed novel Outtakes from a Marriage, and is the co-host with fellow authors Julie Klam and Laura ZIgman of NPR's new radio show "Hash Hags."

Tom Shillue: Tom is originally from Norwood, Massachusetts and is a writer and comedian who has been seen in his own Comedy Central Presents stand-up special, on Late Night with Conan O’Brien, and in his own segment on The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. His autobiographical monologues have become a fixture in the New York downtown comedy scene, at shows like Moonwork's Evening of Original Works. Tom was recently named New York's "Best Storyteller" at the annual ECNY awards.

Julie Klam: Julie has written for tons of magazines including Rolling Stone, O, and The New York Times Magazine. She was nominated for an Emmy award for Outstanding writing on Pop-Up Video. Her most recent book was the New York TImes Bestseller You Had Me At Woof . She lives in NYC with her husband, daughter and dogs.

Julia Darling: Julia is one of those rare artists who has built a career outside of the music industry--which is just a way of saying "it's really hard to get record deals." She did, however, release her third album earlier this year and continues to write, record and play music. (Editor's note: That album, Everything that has Happened Since Then is in heavy rotation at Cindy's house.)

Steven Seagal: A friend of the NJP Show, the actor and martial artist stops by for a casual catch-up with Cindy and Ann. A not-to-be-missed three-way.

Friday, May 20th at 9:30 p.m. (doors open 9:00)
The Laurie Beechman Theater @The West Bank Cafe, 407 West 42nd Street
Reservations: 212-695-6909
Cover charge: $5cover/$15 minim
Eat the excellent dinner food or drink the whole minimum--your call

Our motto: Come if you can; don't if you can't.

p.s. Don't forget to "like" the Cynthia Kaplan Ordeal on Facebook. And why not get the album FANGRY on iTunes or cdbaby.com? Dudes.